Church and Ministry Part 3

This is a tricky post to make which has the potential to perhaps offend people close to me and yet, I hope that it does not. You see, this is my thoughts and reflections as I journey along the road and as you read it, you also become part of my journey. As you get to know me and interract with me, you too, become part of my life and I, of yours. Sometimes in our journey we go through foggy valleys, wondering where on earth we're going. We try waving the fog away but as we walk, step by step, there are clear patches in the midst of the fog. We all long for the clear blue skies and days filled with sunshine but those are best appreciated after the grey days.

Sometimes it's good to have a friend take us by the hand and lead us to the clearer paths and sometimes it's just as valuable to have someone walking along side of us, listening, loving and being patient while we tackle the fog. All this to say, that I truly do not intend to offend anyone nor do I want you to take it personally - this is my journey and I have to walk along it step by step. Each step is important and at every step, God is there. Obviously, I'm not even trying to pretend that I have made it or that I know everything. This is where I'm at now.

A couple of posts ago in the "Read and Real" post, I alluded to the fact that I wonder what church is all about. I have always been committed to church in my attendance and in my ministry. I encourage people to attend church and to belong. I know that I've been taught that we need fellowship, to encourage and to be encouraged, to live godly lives in our secular society. I go to church and hear a sermon. I talk with friends but the real nitty gritty bit of encouragement, even of exhorting others to love and good deeds is put aside as we sip our coffee and make a lot of noisy chatter. Church/Sunday morning is not the time for delving and deep conversations nor for dumping and who has time to share when the trust and time are not there?

Worship is something we do every day. When we come to church on Sunday, our worship time is continued and benefitted by worshipping with others. There is something awesome about "O For A Thousand Tongues" hymn being sung by more than 1000 people. I love some hymns sung without accompaniment. I love the prayerful quiet and I love being with people who love to worship our God.

But sometimes I wonder if now, I'm just going through the motions. You see, after all the hurt we had to go through in leaving a ministry that we loved and that was our life, we had to move on. The move was not primarily of our choice and things were said by people that I hope they regretted saying later on, although they never sought to apologise to us. I am not saying we were 100% in the right but there were some people who were quite unjustified in their bitter attacks.

We had to find a church to attend. I didn't want to attend any church and didn't for about a month or more. Churches in the town invited us and a church of the same denomination 35 minutes away, invited us but in the end, we chose to attend a different denomination in another town. That church included some of our close friends and also included a good youth group with friends for Nathan as well. I still remember the first Sunday we attended. We sat there and I looked around, mostly focussed on the bricks. I kept thinking, "We don't belong here. I am not at home. Will I ever be at home anywhere?" We knew that it wasn't the church's fault, the pastor's fault or anyone else's fault that we felt like that. It was all part of the grieving process.

There were some theological issues we differed with them on and I wondered if we would ever get past that. They were things that had been part of my upbringing and teaching and it would be difficult to change my position on it. Most things can be swept under the carpet, or at least, put away into the too-hard basket if everything else is good.

My dh (dear husband) will eventually meet with the denomination (den) head who was a part of our departure at our church here and will deal with some issues. I personally feel the den head could have been a lot more supportive. What kind of "employer" doesn't follow up his pastor for 2 years, if he really values that pastor? The meeting was to be last week but when dh rang to confirm the time, the den-head was too busy and has now put it off to Nov. 21st. In the meantime, my dh suggested that perhaps we should return to attending the den. he is ordained in.

That means we would still travel to church for 30 mins + but in a different direction. It would mean we'd have to build up friendships and find another Bible study and as for youth group, our son would have to find new friendships there, too. My response was that we don't "owe" that den anything and I am not ready to move again. I am tired of being uprooted. Perhaps that is why I don't even want him to go back into ministry. It seems we get settled and life gets good, then oopsie-daisy, let's go somewhere else now.

We believe that if he goes back into ministry, we both have to be committed 100% and dh is willing to wait a lifetime for that to happen since he believes God called him to be a pastor. At the moment, he'll be waiting a lifetime because there is NO WAY I want to be a pw again. I do not want to move house. I love my job and I am very content here. He, too, is content in his job and he's not asking for us to move but he just wants to look at options.

So, I dig my heels in. I don't want to miss out on what God wants but I don't want to be hurt again. I know I am not ready to go back into ministry and I don't know when (or if) I ever will be again. My brother wrote me an email and said,

":I'm not surprised you're not ready for ministry yet. However, have you worked out what would make you ready, and what issues you need to come to terms with before you are ready? Sometimes, the fact that we are not ready may cooincide with the Lord's call back into ministry, creating a greater dependency on Him."

This is all too hard for me. I want stability. If God really wants us back in ministry, He's going to have to soften my heart and that will only happen if the wall around it is knocked down first. I know people will have their opinions about what is and what they think it should be - you're entitled to your opinions. Don't use your words to try and change my way of thinking, use prayer.

So that's where I'm at. You might not understand or agree with it but then, you haven't walked in my shoes and you haven't heard the whole story - there's only so much one can say in a forum like this. I'm not even sure how to close off this post and perhaps I should have said more or less but for now, I'm done. Thanks for reading this far.

Church and Ministry Part 2

After a short interim ministry, we were invited to come to this town and for my dh to be pastor at the local church here. At first, I resisted due to a number of reasons but on the day we agreed to be interviewed, we took mum with us so she could look after our 4 year old son and things were better than I could have imagined.

The town is near the beach - hooray, an oasis! The congregation was made up of a variety of age groups, had Christians at all walks in their life and even had a couple of people who I had grown up with. As we drove home, I was bursting forth with ideas and my mum remarked how good it was to see me "back to my ol' self", again. We had been completely honest with the pastoral interview committee since we didn't see any reason to cover up where we were coming from. One of my key questions was, "What are your expectations for your pastor's wife?" My response was that I would take my time finding out where God wanted me and in His time, I would take up the ministries He wanted me to be part of. I was not willing to fit into a stereotype and would not (because I could not) play the piano during church services.

Our first years were great and I even helped co-lead a ladies' Bible study, started up practice for the worship team and occasionally took my guitar along to music. I love worship leading - it's a big part of my heart and who I am and I had even done a subject at Bible college with regards to worship. I also helped run high school aged youth group. On top of all this, I returned to CRT (casual relief teaching) work where my son was at school.

People change and move on and that affects the dynamics of church. New people come in and add another dimension that wasn't there previously. While there, in 1999, my mum passed away - that was a huge HUGE!! impact on my life with lots of grieving and pain and feeling a loss so great. In 2002, I became full-time teacher at a Christian school (see a previous post) and again that was another huge change.

Time goes on and at the end of 7 years, we needed to move on. Eighty percent of the congregation did not want us to move on and again, it was a struggle. The denomination heads, (well their representative), could have dealt with issues a little differently. Of course, there is still some hurt there at the way things were seemingly mishandled.

It was a different departure to our first full-time ministry interstate although some say I handled it better because of what I'd been through there. Sometimes, I don't know. I do feel the den.heads were remiss in providing good care and support for their pastor and his family.

We chose to stay in the rural town and after 4 months, my dh found another job and he appreciates the change but does have to travel an hour each way to work. I am still teaching and love my job and my son is doing well at his school in year 8. It was difficult staying here, in some ways. It means that sometimes when we go shopping, we will see church people - some we are happy to see but others........

We were invited to attend at least 4 other local churches and chose one in the next town where our son attends school and where we have some good friends. It takes 30 minutes to get there but we weren't comfortable with attending a church in this small town. Up until about May this year we were attending a Bible study but that is in recess now. I am part of the music team and do that every fortnight and Russell teaches Sunday school for 5 weeks on, 5 weeks off (or thereabouts). Nathan enjoys attending the youth group with his school (and church) friends.

I guess that ends the church andhistory lesson and brings you up to date with how we got to be where we are now. I will perhaps bring myself to write a part 3 in the next week or so.

Church and Ministry Part 1

We were newly weds when my dh entered into Bible college and I began my first teaching job in a Christian school in the country. It was an exciting time for us, relatively carefree (esp in comparison to later years) and our new church home was a good place to learn about being in ministry full time.

The church I grew up in was evangelical and believed that all are ministers. It encouraged people to use their gifts and talents for the Lord and gave opportunities for even young people to get involved. So, in my teen years, having a heart for Jesus, I began teaching Sunday school. I was involved in youth group and as I got towards my later teens, I became part of the leadership team. My involvement in teaching at church was part of the reason I believed I was called to teaching as a career. My boyfriend (who later became my husband) was involved in leading Sunday school and he also had opportunities to preach.

At our new church, while dh was at Bible college, we again became youth group leaders and teachers for Sunday school. We ran a Bible study together and were also involved in social events with others our age. It was a busy time but we enjoyed it. We were at that church for five years and the main lesson I learnt from the senior pw was that as a pw I was to be the person God created me to be. I didn't have to try and fit into some sterotype of what others thought a pw should be. God gave me unique gifts and abilities to bring glory to Him and He made me as me for His purpose, in whatever role or place He called me to go.

With a bachelor of theology and a post-grad diploma in pastoral counselling, my dh and I moved interstate (two and half thousand kilometres away) to our "new" home and church. It was a coal mining town and although my ideal was that you make your home where you live, others who lived in the town would go home on the weekends and holidays. Not many called that town their home and the average age was 12. Although we were in our late 20's (we both turned 30 while there) we were one of the older couples in the church.

Towards the end of our time there, (we were there for 5 years) some people got political, some chose to be downright spiteful and some took the line of "control". One week, I was considered too extrovert, the next week I was considered too introvert. Our son, who was born at the end of our first year there, was only loved by a few people and it wasn't a healthy place for any of us to be. We were isolated from the denomination heads and those they sent to deal with it, were not particularly constructive or helpful. In fact, upon their departure they admitted that people were lying and would have to be dealt with but that was the end of their "trip". We moved back home.

My parents took us in and we were without a job for a couple of months, although my dh did try some door-to-door sales of an educational program. We were offered an interim senior position and then some kind church folk also gave us a house to live in for that period.

As you can imagine, when we first came home, I was quite angry and hurt. I blamed my husband, the denomination heads and perhaps God, for allowing us to be in that unhealthy place for too long. I deliberately choose not to think about that church and if anything good did come out of it, I still wouldn't recognise it. The interim ministry and Emmaus weekend was used by God to bring healing to my heart and to my soul. The one thread that kept me hanging in there (literally) was worship. I loved worshipping God and I loved music. When I sang worship songs, I knew that God was holding on to me and that He really did love me.