Church and Ministry Part 3

This is a tricky post to make which has the potential to perhaps offend people close to me and yet, I hope that it does not. You see, this is my thoughts and reflections as I journey along the road and as you read it, you also become part of my journey. As you get to know me and interract with me, you too, become part of my life and I, of yours. Sometimes in our journey we go through foggy valleys, wondering where on earth we're going. We try waving the fog away but as we walk, step by step, there are clear patches in the midst of the fog. We all long for the clear blue skies and days filled with sunshine but those are best appreciated after the grey days.

Sometimes it's good to have a friend take us by the hand and lead us to the clearer paths and sometimes it's just as valuable to have someone walking along side of us, listening, loving and being patient while we tackle the fog. All this to say, that I truly do not intend to offend anyone nor do I want you to take it personally - this is my journey and I have to walk along it step by step. Each step is important and at every step, God is there. Obviously, I'm not even trying to pretend that I have made it or that I know everything. This is where I'm at now.

A couple of posts ago in the "Read and Real" post, I alluded to the fact that I wonder what church is all about. I have always been committed to church in my attendance and in my ministry. I encourage people to attend church and to belong. I know that I've been taught that we need fellowship, to encourage and to be encouraged, to live godly lives in our secular society. I go to church and hear a sermon. I talk with friends but the real nitty gritty bit of encouragement, even of exhorting others to love and good deeds is put aside as we sip our coffee and make a lot of noisy chatter. Church/Sunday morning is not the time for delving and deep conversations nor for dumping and who has time to share when the trust and time are not there?

Worship is something we do every day. When we come to church on Sunday, our worship time is continued and benefitted by worshipping with others. There is something awesome about "O For A Thousand Tongues" hymn being sung by more than 1000 people. I love some hymns sung without accompaniment. I love the prayerful quiet and I love being with people who love to worship our God.

But sometimes I wonder if now, I'm just going through the motions. You see, after all the hurt we had to go through in leaving a ministry that we loved and that was our life, we had to move on. The move was not primarily of our choice and things were said by people that I hope they regretted saying later on, although they never sought to apologise to us. I am not saying we were 100% in the right but there were some people who were quite unjustified in their bitter attacks.

We had to find a church to attend. I didn't want to attend any church and didn't for about a month or more. Churches in the town invited us and a church of the same denomination 35 minutes away, invited us but in the end, we chose to attend a different denomination in another town. That church included some of our close friends and also included a good youth group with friends for Nathan as well. I still remember the first Sunday we attended. We sat there and I looked around, mostly focussed on the bricks. I kept thinking, "We don't belong here. I am not at home. Will I ever be at home anywhere?" We knew that it wasn't the church's fault, the pastor's fault or anyone else's fault that we felt like that. It was all part of the grieving process.

There were some theological issues we differed with them on and I wondered if we would ever get past that. They were things that had been part of my upbringing and teaching and it would be difficult to change my position on it. Most things can be swept under the carpet, or at least, put away into the too-hard basket if everything else is good.

My dh (dear husband) will eventually meet with the denomination (den) head who was a part of our departure at our church here and will deal with some issues. I personally feel the den head could have been a lot more supportive. What kind of "employer" doesn't follow up his pastor for 2 years, if he really values that pastor? The meeting was to be last week but when dh rang to confirm the time, the den-head was too busy and has now put it off to Nov. 21st. In the meantime, my dh suggested that perhaps we should return to attending the den. he is ordained in.

That means we would still travel to church for 30 mins + but in a different direction. It would mean we'd have to build up friendships and find another Bible study and as for youth group, our son would have to find new friendships there, too. My response was that we don't "owe" that den anything and I am not ready to move again. I am tired of being uprooted. Perhaps that is why I don't even want him to go back into ministry. It seems we get settled and life gets good, then oopsie-daisy, let's go somewhere else now.

We believe that if he goes back into ministry, we both have to be committed 100% and dh is willing to wait a lifetime for that to happen since he believes God called him to be a pastor. At the moment, he'll be waiting a lifetime because there is NO WAY I want to be a pw again. I do not want to move house. I love my job and I am very content here. He, too, is content in his job and he's not asking for us to move but he just wants to look at options.

So, I dig my heels in. I don't want to miss out on what God wants but I don't want to be hurt again. I know I am not ready to go back into ministry and I don't know when (or if) I ever will be again. My brother wrote me an email and said,

":I'm not surprised you're not ready for ministry yet. However, have you worked out what would make you ready, and what issues you need to come to terms with before you are ready? Sometimes, the fact that we are not ready may cooincide with the Lord's call back into ministry, creating a greater dependency on Him."

This is all too hard for me. I want stability. If God really wants us back in ministry, He's going to have to soften my heart and that will only happen if the wall around it is knocked down first. I know people will have their opinions about what is and what they think it should be - you're entitled to your opinions. Don't use your words to try and change my way of thinking, use prayer.

So that's where I'm at. You might not understand or agree with it but then, you haven't walked in my shoes and you haven't heard the whole story - there's only so much one can say in a forum like this. I'm not even sure how to close off this post and perhaps I should have said more or less but for now, I'm done. Thanks for reading this far.